August 22, 2011

On August 22, 2011 I officiated my very first regular season volleyball match. This is important because this day has meaning beyond this volleyball match. This day, August 22nd, changed my life dramatically. In the last 21 years, August 22nd has come and gone easier each time, but for the first time this year I feel that I should tell everyone else about my feelings on this day. I hope that maybe this will break the ice for those of struggling each day and open a dialogue where no one might judge you for your feelings and where someone might listen without question to what you have to say.

On Wednesday August 22nd, 1990, my life changed forever. I lost a part of my life that I would never get back; I lost a piece of me. I lost someone who is important to a child’s development. It changed everything about me as a person but it also made me into the person I am today. It made me thankful for every person in my life, friend or foe. I made me appreciate the small things in life and to live every second to the fullest. In a moment, it changed me to something that it took me many years to understand. On that afternoon, my father, Randall Wayne Whaley, committed suicide in our home. Luckily for me, the best mother Anita Callis in the world was aware of what was happening and she took us from the house before it happened. We went to a friend’s house and waited until someone could confirm what had happened. My memory of that day is fading with each year that passes but I will never forget losing my dad. It is one of the hardest things that can happen to a child. It was also one of the most humbling experiences I have ever had and it taught me so much about humility and honesty. I learned a lot about myself and my friends and family in the days following that day.

As hard as this was for me then, it has been inevitably harder to not dwell upon this every day since this happened. It took many years to realize the ins and outs of my feelings. Some days I fought the feelings, other days I hid them. Then I opened dialogue with any one that would listen. I would tell them my story, which in the end has allowed me to write this in hopes of helping someone else. I have learned over the last 21 years that each person has a story and that telling that story may provide comfort to that person. I have also learned that hearing the stories can offer perspective to those seeking guidance. It helps that I have had such supportive family and friends as it is this support system that gets your through anything.
Suicide is difficult. There are far-reaching consequences that the person making this decision does not have enough clarity of mind to process. There are many factors that can lead to suicide, such as depression, drug addiction, genetics, and social standing can all play apart in suicide. It may be a combination of these factors; it may be the only way, in their mind, to escape something that they are dealing with personally. They may leave a note explaining it, they may not. There are different methods. Suicide is a terrible thing but it does not have to dictate how you remember that person. I do not remember my dad for committing suicide but for loving me. I can remember him coaching my baseball team and teaching me carpentry. Like I said my memories are fading because I was so young. Suicide affects people of many ages and many walks of life. It does not define me but it is a part of me. It will always be a part of me. It does not control me and it does not stop me from being the best I can be. The most important thing is that suicide is not the end but a new beginning, a chance to renew yourself and your outlook and how you can change the world. I might not change the world greatly but I hope that I do enough to help someone else facing what I have faced.

On August 22, 2011, I officiated my first regular season volleyball match. The following day I flew to Chicago with my wife and we enjoyed a vacation watching the Cubs and seeing our favorite city. On this day, I never had a thought about suicide. I never had a thought about that day 21 years ago. You might ask why I would forget. I have not forgotten, but I have accepted what happened and learned to deal with it over the years. I have not forgotten the day that changed my life. I have learned to live with it and not let it define me. I do not think about it on a regular basis and even when I do, I am not sad. I am happy for who I have become and what I have in my life. I am proud to have a mother who saw me through this and a wife who is very understanding as well. I am also appreciative of my brothers and sister and my stepdad who have helped me throughout this learning adventure we call life. It will never go away but it has a place that is not at the forefront of my life any longer.

I know that right now might not be the best time for some of you to read this but it may help ease the pain. It may give you hope that suicide will not define you and that you will make it through. I know your pain and I know how awful you hurt. I know how difficult the coming days and months will be for you. I also know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. You may not see it now but one day you will. One day you will realize that suicide is not your life. It will always be a part of you but you can defeat the feeling and be anything you want to be. I want to be someone that changes the world. Someone that inspires others to be the very best they can be, but mostly someone that you can lean on if you need to. The pain and hurt are always there but it is what you do with that pain that makes a difference. Talking about suicide is the most important way to deal with feelings and in preventing suicide. There is no shame in suicide.
So I post this today, not as a guide or for sympathy, but to share with you that I know where you have been and where you are headed. I know that it takes time and that each person is different and grieves in their own way. I understand that life seems impossible right now and I know that it takes time, but you will get through it. If anyone that reads this would like to talk, I would gladly share my story with you and talk about anything you would like. Also, I would like to invite that each person that reads this to join me in supporting World Suicide Prevention Day. You can do so by visiting this link and attending their support event. I would appreciate it as would anyone else touched by Suicide.
 www.facebook.com/IASPinfo